epitaphs and eulogies

flowers belong on tombstones but I never
found the courage to see yours:
I bought three bouquets from CVS and I
pulled out the twigs, the flowers who
had forgotten to bloom, and the ones
that did not deserve to be yours –
I tossed them off the balcony without fanfare
and trimmed  the stems  of those that
remained

I have wondered if my posture is
different when I am in mourning;
and I have wondered
now and again,
if it is better easier to leave my heart
in the chest that sits in my storage closet –
maybe then these losses would hurt less

when the flowers age, I press them into
the journal where I scrawl hopes,
voice my dreams, solicit wishes, and admit
my fears; there are few, and they
gnaw at times like these –
I remind myself that there is beauty in change:
flowers pressed against white pages and spilled
ink are still flowers worthy of praise

Ajibike Lapite is a third year pediatric hematology/oncology fellow at Texas Children’s Hospital with a particular interest in health equity, curative therapy for hemoglobinopathies, and narrative medicine. When not at work, she writes, consumes far too much ice cream, roller skates,  and rebelliously keeps her camera off in Zoom calls.